My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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