i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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