I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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