gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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