The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
All I want is dick and wine.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
