I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I smell like Dick and happiness
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
