he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize