I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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