Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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