Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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