if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I AM VODKA MAN
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Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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