I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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