My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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