he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
and you fell through a lawn chair
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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