I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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