I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
