In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
