i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
