If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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