It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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