Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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