yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
