mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
