I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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