he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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