What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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