It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
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dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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