I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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