just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
