allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
