I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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