dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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