Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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