when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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