The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
