if you like me you must not know who I am
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
