i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
