Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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