A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
