new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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