I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
