i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
