My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
