i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
home. puking in laundry basket.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
