My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
