as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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