Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life