Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
