Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize