Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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