I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
