We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
