she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
