1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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