I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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